While waiting for my Foundation semester 1 finals result to come out online, I lied back in my back thinking how to improve academically in the next semester (academically, because it is the highest priority isn’t it?). Semester 1 was a bumpy ride for me, while I have always thought that I am an adaptable person, throw me anywhere and I’ll make it out alive, if not alright.
A few years ago I have read an article in Reader’s Digest that we tend to conclude the phase in our life based from the atmosphere during the ending of the phase. As for example, if my last months in high school is happy, the overall experience throughout the 5 years of schooling tended to be classified as happy too. I do realize that while I had several miserable moments in Semester 1, and a long breakdown nearing the Final Week, the semester was actually pretty good.
I don’t recall having a breakdown that lasted for weeks back in MRSM, and I thought it must have been something to do with my current stress coping mechanism. And when I look back.... in the past few months I have been indulging stressed self with........ self-deprecating jokes.
I know it doesn’t sound good good (I mean, it is something that my mom wouldn’t laugh along and would probably say “tak baik”), but ohh I honestly thought if I could turn myself or my life into a joke, isn’t that already good enough? It is a joke anyway, never meant to be serious. When I say I want to die, I don’t mean I am contemplating suicide.
Although, I do admit I always announce online at the early morning that I want to die... or accurately, nak mampus...
Religiously repeating that I want to mampus was intentionally as a joke I keep to myself, or well to my Twitter followers. I had also never thought that it is somewhat equivalent to the English slang ‘fuck my life’, since ‘fuck’ is a strong swear word and ‘mampus’ literally means die. I mean, I have read before a post from Vivy Yusof’s blog about this whole fml thing. What I intend to say is.... “I’m toast” and “I’m dead” throughout my life... I honestly never thought that it would have a SERIOUS negative connotation as I mean it casually and playfully.
As someone who enjoy self-deprecating humor, I must say that it is somewhat fun to indulge such thing, especially when you know that you are not the only person in misery. Perhaps this kind of joke is more familiar to Tumblr and Twitter users, because I guess everyone seems soooo happy in Instagram and Facebook. I can say that in Twitter, everyone else is as miserable as I am, well that is according to my Twitter timeline, ignoring the sweet-gestures-a -certain-someone’s-boyfriend- did tweets. Through this kind of jokes that I gain confidence that I am not alone, and I learnt that everyone else is also at the brink of breakdown but still struggling, and that it is alright to feel not alright, and that hey when life gives you tragedy you make a comedy out of it.
So yeahhhhh at the moment before my result come out, I thought that perhaps the kind of humor I let myself soak into is what actually makes my stress coping journey rocky. And I actually swore to myself this....
Cehhh konon nak berubahlah!!!
But then later I found this post!!! The title is somehow self explanatory: SELF-DEPRECATING HUMOUR LINKED TO GREATER PSYCHOLOGICAL WELLBEING, STUDY FINDS
And now I am confused??? So now should I continue stuffing myself with that kind of jokes or not??
Whatever it is, surprise surprise life would still go on 🙂
Oh would I still fill my life with self deprecating jokes? Stay tune and find out in the next episode of Hajar: I Still Haven’t Die...Yet
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