Disclaimer: This post is awfully long. If you are not keen of lengthy reading, questions and main arguments are bolded for perhaps easy reading. And views are my and my own. Arguments are more than welcomed.
Nowadays dating has been a norm among the youth. Sure, love knows no age.
I came across the thought of dating in my pre-teen years, that is when I was 11 or 12. Some students in my year date or "couple" among each other. At that age I haven't thought much of such thing. My main argument was "love study before you love somebody". Well, I am raised in the environment in which academic is my first priority, and my parents are so strict dating is a no-no. I also thought that it was absurd to date when even your knickers are bought by your parents, since dating would require investment of money to buy presents, phone prepaid and also to afford dates.
In my teen years (read:13 to 17), I was soaked up much in the environment of my boarding school. I thought that while I was in a good and strict environment, I should make the most out of the life lessons and religion values that the school authority tried to educate us, since upon leaving the school the world is nothing like the school environment. In the real world we shall be free, and no one can really keep an eye on us. That means, I was (or maybe still is) the believer of "pre-marital dating is haram" which was widely and loudly preached in school. I understood that it is a slow-but-sure tactic of the devil to deviate us from the right track, from friendly textings to meetings to touches and oh well pre-marital sex. We can't help but to enjoy the attention and flirtation, can we? While it still interests me how having promiscuous sex and having no virginity (either by rape, consent or extreme activity) would means a degrade of morality and dignity, I understood that legal sex is important in keeping the lineage true, thanks to Maqaasid Syariah I learnt in Tasawwur Islam class, as it would affect the family tree and how wealth shall be distributed after one's death. Again, that means no dating for me during those years. My parents better be grateful that I was single by choice ok 😒
After SPM, long break before I embark to higher level of education. With all the time in my hand, I spent some time thinking of this particular topic in my free time. And these are the questions that have ran around in my mind, thoroughly thought and (well at least I try) carefully worded.
1) Is confessing haram?
While pre-marital dating is said to be haram, in my opinion, it is not haram for two people of opposite sex to love each other.. To me there is nothing wrong in finding a particular man fit to be a husband and admire him from afar, and there is no wrongness if such feeling is reciprocated. And I also think that there is nothing wrong if both, or at least one in the case of unrequited love, to confess. I have read here and there that if we confess our love, God would decrease the love in our heart towards that particular person, and so such feeling should be remained unspoken. I may not read much book on this topic, but I have read Hilal Asyraf's Sebelum Aku Bernikah and I agreed with him; there is nothing wrong in letting our feeling known. If we were to use a metaphor, I would say in order to get a particular scholarship, we should of course apply it. The consequence of not applying the scholarship would make us not even known and therefore cannot be considered for offer. The act of applying is an effort, same as the act of confessing. Of course, before confessing we should know the direction we are heading to; by confessing, what are we trying to aim. Is the confession a starting point to know each other, a step to establish a more intimate relationship, or just to release what has been kept and suffocating your chest for a long time, without expecting any reciprocation?
2) Is loving each other haram?
Now, done the confessing part. Say you guys have fondness for each other, is that alright? To me that's nothing wrong. But to me what is wrong in Islam is the act of touching, the meeting in a closed space, the pointless talking, the endearments used, since such things are only appropriate and exclusive for marriage. To me just having the feeling is not wrong, as long as we don't act carelessly and irresponsibly with it.
3) In dating to know each other for marriage
Sure I have read that we should date to know each other. Sure I do agree that we should know our to-be partner before marriage. Make sure that we have the same goal in marriage, know our individual pathway and how it would affect the potential marriage, the compatibility, consider what situation and behavior that can be compromised and what circumstance that cannot be compromised,because let's face it, love is conditional, even a mother's love towards her child. As acceptance is what makes a marriage running, be clear of what you would accept. Would you accept his low salary? Would you accept her inability to conceive? Would you accept his ill temper? Would you accept her lack in cooking skill?
However, despite infinite years of dating, we can never know someone as much and as intimate we know his or her through marriage. Sure, even cohabiting doesn't produce the same effect as marriage, as marriage requires more commitment and more aspects will be involved in growing what is no longer a pair of lover, but a family. The dynamic of the relationship changes over time. We learn new thing everyday, and that should be expected out of our partner everyday, especially after marriage where you will share space together. A tender and loving boyfriend may turns out to be abusive under the crack of pressure post-marriage, who knows? A cynical person may be nice once you know them, who can deny? Somehow we have to accept that people change upon time and circumstances, and that people act differently to different person, and the future will always be unknown.
But that does not mean that we should not try to know them. We should and must try to know our potential spouse, as in choosing a man, we are not only choosing a husband for ourselves, but we also choosing a father for our future children. We have the chance to choose our spouse, which is undeniably your right, but our future children do not have the chance to choose their other parent, and it is you who must do the job to fulfill their right. Permissible ways in Islam to know our potential spouses are said to be 1) by asking around to those who are close to them and have worked with them 2) ask them directly of their principles, their expectations, their plans and their compromises. After such careful steps were taken to know them and marriage is proceed and they turn out to be not as what is expected or promised or said, do know that you have tried best you could to know them and to select the best spouse for yourself, and there is no mistake in that part of yours.
4) But marriage is not an experiment! I cannot afford a trial-and-error!
Darling, the whole life is a trial-and-error. Life is a series of experiments, and we take lesson each time. You can be so besotted with him today and later post-marriage he drives you crazy in a way that is murderous. You can be so annoyed with him today and later post-marriage you are so affectionate towards him. The thing is, a human's heart is always changing. You don't know what mindset your spouse will have when he or she wakes up tomorrow. You also cannot guarantee what mindset you'll have in the future. You can only do your best in the current time, and realise that in the future if the marriage doesn't work out, at least you have tried all possible ways that exist. Sure having only one marriage in a lifetime is a dream. No one wants to marry only to divorce later. No one wants multiple marriages only to find a certain someone. But we have to accept that some marriages just don't work out, and better be dismissed, and you will not know that if you haven't try to fight for it.
5) But the memories during the dating period will be a strong reason for us to keep our future marriage!
Sure, I have read this argument before. But to me, why fight for a marriage solely based on our relationship in the past? Sure you dated for a good 10 years before marriage, but if the current marriage is so toxic or broken you can no longer fix it, why bother wasting your future in an unhappy present just for the sake of the happy past? To me, people grow and change and relationship grow and change, and we may grow or change out of our partner, but if both no longer fit and can compromise with each other, then why not just consider to dismiss.
6) But there is no barakah in dating. And barakah should be the foundation of marriage. So just like each other without the whole dating thing.
Mmm ya perhaps that's true. I don't know mind you I'm not an Islamic scholar or anything I'm just laying out arguments here. But, the thing about relationship is that, relationship is a mutual commitment. Sure you both like each other, but you guys make no step towards each other due to lack of finance or whatsoever that is not ready, and say one of you is approached by another everything-is-ready guy/girl, would you still wait for your lover, who now seems insecure compared to the third person?
Sure you can do istikharah and whatnot. But I don't know, would you be okay to know that your loved one is basically available in the dating market? Don't ask me I don't know if I would be okay too pft.
In my opinion, if you already have your plans laid out and you really want that certain someone in your future, establishing a relationship is not wrong, just put whatever boundaries you want in the relationship, because just hoping for the time to tie you two without proper effort is just unrealistic.
7) There's no point in dating because in the end you will get married to someone else
Mmm okay that sounds tad sad. Personally I always think that we get married when we are ready, to whoever we have at that time. It's true though that life time frame, besides commitment, affects the success of a relationship. You may already have someone lovely at a time when you just can't settle down, and you may not have a romantic partner when everything is ready. But one thing you should know is that, adult life don't really have this definite script you need to follow. You can get married when you don't really have money, you can get married in your 40s, just in whatever you choose be responsible and don't give up easily.
8) How dare you be in a relationship when you still lacks a lot of thing??!!!
Umm why do you think that a relationship is only for those who has everything? We humans are always in the state of growing. Sure there are life phase where we cannot easily settle down. But different people have different situation. Some can afford a marriage while studying, some can't. Some can handle a relationship while focusing on a degree, some can't. To wait for a time where you have EVERYTHING complete is somewhat hard to achieve, and that is where understanding and compromise should come in a relationship.
Plus, is it wrong to accept love that we can get?
9) Mmm relationship and marriage seems scary I don't want to get into that
Mmm okay. But in life we take risks. You hop into a car everyday knowing that you have a high chance to get into an accident.
6) But there is no barakah in dating. And barakah should be the foundation of marriage. So just like each other without the whole dating thing.
Mmm ya perhaps that's true. I don't know mind you I'm not an Islamic scholar or anything I'm just laying out arguments here. But, the thing about relationship is that, relationship is a mutual commitment. Sure you both like each other, but you guys make no step towards each other due to lack of finance or whatsoever that is not ready, and say one of you is approached by another everything-is-ready guy/girl, would you still wait for your lover, who now seems insecure compared to the third person?
Sure you can do istikharah and whatnot. But I don't know, would you be okay to know that your loved one is basically available in the dating market? Don't ask me I don't know if I would be okay too pft.
In my opinion, if you already have your plans laid out and you really want that certain someone in your future, establishing a relationship is not wrong, just put whatever boundaries you want in the relationship, because just hoping for the time to tie you two without proper effort is just unrealistic.
7) There's no point in dating because in the end you will get married to someone else
Mmm okay that sounds tad sad. Personally I always think that we get married when we are ready, to whoever we have at that time. It's true though that life time frame, besides commitment, affects the success of a relationship. You may already have someone lovely at a time when you just can't settle down, and you may not have a romantic partner when everything is ready. But one thing you should know is that, adult life don't really have this definite script you need to follow. You can get married when you don't really have money, you can get married in your 40s, just in whatever you choose be responsible and don't give up easily.
8) How dare you be in a relationship when you still lacks a lot of thing??!!!
Umm why do you think that a relationship is only for those who has everything? We humans are always in the state of growing. Sure there are life phase where we cannot easily settle down. But different people have different situation. Some can afford a marriage while studying, some can't. Some can handle a relationship while focusing on a degree, some can't. To wait for a time where you have EVERYTHING complete is somewhat hard to achieve, and that is where understanding and compromise should come in a relationship.
Plus, is it wrong to accept love that we can get?
9) Mmm relationship and marriage seems scary I don't want to get into that
Mmm okay. But in life we take risks. You hop into a car everyday knowing that you have a high chance to get into an accident.
10) My other opinions
Mmm I don't know.
If you choose to date. Just be ready to get brokenhearted, and disappointed here and there. And remember that you are not entitled to everything belongs to your partner; his time, money, attention, there should be allocations for you but not all. There should also be boundaries set in the early of relationship that you both agree on (e.g only safe sex, no physical contact), according to your shared values. Be ready to leave when the relationship gets abusive. Always be sure where the relationship is heading to, so no one gets hurt. Just because someone accepts you, doesn't mean you stop improving yourself.
If you choose to not date, that is cool too. This means you have much more time and whatnot to focus on yourself, and your other loved ones.
Also, sure marriage during stable time is good and all, and that marriage is a lifetime commitment, but that doesn't mean that marriage is the end-all. You can still achieve your other goals while still getting married
Mmm I don't know.
If you choose to date. Just be ready to get brokenhearted, and disappointed here and there. And remember that you are not entitled to everything belongs to your partner; his time, money, attention, there should be allocations for you but not all. There should also be boundaries set in the early of relationship that you both agree on (e.g only safe sex, no physical contact), according to your shared values. Be ready to leave when the relationship gets abusive. Always be sure where the relationship is heading to, so no one gets hurt. Just because someone accepts you, doesn't mean you stop improving yourself.
If you choose to not date, that is cool too. This means you have much more time and whatnot to focus on yourself, and your other loved ones.
Also, sure marriage during stable time is good and all, and that marriage is a lifetime commitment, but that doesn't mean that marriage is the end-all. You can still achieve your other goals while still getting married
I think that is all
xx
Comments
Post a Comment