Hi
First of all I find it important to explain of where I came from. I went to a boarding for 5 years, and 4 out of the 5 school years I have major examination at the end of each year. I learnt that my value is only on my academic achievement. And so I strive to keep the record. Being a normal human being I do feel all the unhappy feelings; sad, upset, angry, frustration, but I found that brushing them sideways is effective. I've got to achieve my goals, and that is the only thing that matters. I also found coming home buffers my progress, emotionally and productively, and so I refrained myself from going home on short holidays.
It was amazing, my academic record. But post-SPM I've found the term Boarding School Syndrome, and I could relate closely to that. I had trouble sharing emotional intimacy with people, it brings discomfort to me. When my parents tell me they miss me, I couldn't tell them that I feel likewise, because I forgot how missing someone feels like. When my friends have emotional moments, I stood there not knowing how to react. Homesick wasn't a visitor of mine. Everything is all logical and rarely emotional it makes me feel foreign for not knowing how to respond to people. I've overheard a friend described me as "strong", and I think it is true, but the foundation that made me so makes me feels... tragic.
And so after SPM I started telling myself that I have to relearn all these emotions. And so I went to UiTM Dengkil for my Foundation studies. I know I said before that Foundation was hectic, with constant demands of reports and tutorials, and I also have a personal matter I have to attend to. It was overwhelming honestly. I find myself feeling sad, and incidentally I was in the phase of music discovery and I love love gloomy days and chilly temperature which further made me feel more sad. And so I kept feeling sadness. I thought coping it with music would help, and so I always found myself in fetal position on bed my head blasted with high-volume sad songs on repeat.
I later noticed that I kept feeling sad, and so I tried to put effort to make me feel better. I put on cheerful songs in the morning, and start to dress more cheerfully to lift up my own mood. It was nice, but not really effective. The stressor was still there. I started feeling nauseous in the mornings, and whenever I feel anxious. I also kept having headaches. My hormone was haywire; I developed a new intense PMS symptom, which comes every month by the way, and I had big acne. To me it is important to identify stressor, and strategize the escape plan. And so I did. And I am feeling better. Is it a frowned upon, hurtful plan? Yes. But do I get valued for my other qualities? No. And so I went.
After Foundation, it was a several months break. And I faced my first heartbreak. It was not a love heartbreak. It was more of the feeling of betrayal. I remember crying to my mom upon breaking the news. And I kept crying for a whole week. Whenever the specific thought crossed my mind I would cry. I had no appetite, I ate very little. Previously I always thought that those on heartbreaks intentionally refrain themselves for eating. Apparently the thought of food no longer seems appealing and enticing. My heartbreak was only for seven days. I lost one kg lol, but gained it back after hahah!
The third thing I learnt is trauma.Something happened, and ever since I was scared to carry out a certain task. Before I have no idea how trauma is, and what I experience may not be a trauma, but I automatically cried when being pushed to carry the task. It was definitely not a pleasant feeling. But alhamdulillah I overcame it. But the memory still lingers when the night comes.
And one of the other things I learnt is dissecting my feeling towards everyone. As I am an avid Twitter user, I always see that the conservatives loathe the liberals and vice versa. They loathe each other for their opposing viewpoint, but do not treat each other in a proper manner. I find is important to dissect our feeling as it always keep us rational. I also learnt to dissect my love. I know that we have the people we have today for what we offer, and I still find it tragic, but it's the truth. This include dissecting my love towards my family; I note that they are normal flawed human beings that do hurt me occasionally, but for a mistake I do no't hate them entirely, nor for a deed do I love them entirely. I learn to put boundaries that way, and know when to act accordingly. It also reminds me to always be humane. It also thought me to know of my worth, and, yeah other people's worth towards me. I till think it's tragic sigh
Those were not enjoyable things to experience. Those feelings were foreign and real and intense. It makes me feels that life is more tragic and not always pretty. But the experience also taught me to value happiness more, and to understand how such emotions could affect our days and productivity. I also learnt to defense my overall well-being, as people only wants to see results, and ignore the process I have to go through. I have grown to value my worth, and appreciate the people around me more.
I think that is all
What are your 2019 lessons?
May we all have better experiences in the upcoming years, and may we all develop more as balanced, happy humans
xx
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