I can't believe it's been 2 months since I am officially 20. It doesn't feel much different than being any other age, I believe, I still feel the same me since 5 years ago; still the same intense Hajar. Well of course I've changed here and there a bit; less complaining, deliver more jokes, more confident, but somehow there are some qualities that despite I've tried to change they still exist and continue being a part of me. Anyway
Let's see. From the social life aspect. I am still an introvert, I feel uncomfortable hanging out in groups, I really appreciate my alone time. I have a few friends that think I am a good listener to them, I learnt to have deeper friendship (this is honestly somethimg new to me, lol). It's good, for an introvert, at least.
Financial wise. I am still lacking scholarships or any study loans (how ironic that I have the most A+ among my siblings but I'm the only one without that study loans????????). In other word, I depend very much to my parents. Alhamdulillah for the food in my plates,but not gonna lie I hate being a financial burden when everyone around me is kinda living more freely. I did think of doing business (everyone is having a business nowadays, but I think I am not really interested with it?). I am not too fond of the idea of starting my adulthood having a negative nett worth, but a study loan could help me though, that is if no scholarship wants me. Anyway I’m starting a part-time job in a few days, hope everything will be fine and the money will do me good
In the love department. No joke I feel pressured to snatch myself a boyfriend already. Almost everyone I knew growing up is coupled up, even the pious ones preaching not to back then!!!! Heck, they’re the early ones to get a partner! I believe that jodoh has been set, that even if I have a boyfriend right now does not guarantee that he will be my husband, but goddddddd what if all the good guys really finish early???? What will be left for me then?? Though honestly I personally don’t fancy the idea of dating (how time, financial & emotional costly dating is???? has anyone ever talked about this??????)... maybe because I haven’t found the right person that will make me enjoy the process? I don’t know lah. Also the fact that I’m a girl, my eggs will die, my youth will evaporate, it sucks altogether. Yea I know there is a boy that likes me (but I’m sorry I can’t), a boy I like and he likes me too but we both are shy and content being single (pft) we ended up not starting anything, and then this boy I like that I have scared away. So yeah, everything is totally fine. Fine
Physically, I have gained weight since 2015. Kinda thinking of cutting them down.. My face, I don’t know lah, the stress kinda brings bumps and acne. I’ve been on medicine for two months for it, on Mum’s behest. I kinda dislike the fact that I still have a few years of uni and so I will continue to be stressed and so my skin will always be angry, but my mom said until then should my skin be unfixed? I don’t know, but now there’s improvement. God, please give me effortless glass skin I promise I will not show off but if I do please forgive me
Career wise.... I really thank God for allowing me to study the program I want. There are people out there, my friends even, compromising for course that is not their first choice. I am, in comparison, very lucky to still have interest in what I learn despite the other hardships existing. I planned of doing internship, though, for this semester break (also this one I am kinda pressured looking at my overseas education-sponsored friends starting internships despite also being in first year). But let’s be honest, internships pay peanuts. I believe not only me, but other university students also look for money during their semester break, so it is logical that they opt for part-time jobs instead of an internship. Not forgetting that doing an internship may require you to spend more on transportation and accommodation. Also it kinda disappoints me how part-time jobs aren’t really looked at in resumes. If we could afford an internship, we would have done it. Pay your interns reasonable amount.
All in all. I cannot wait to grow up. I cannot wait to be 24 or 25 and have a stable job, renting a space where I could peacefully live a snail paced life after a bullet train-paced job, and catching up with friends and family on weekends. The life seems so relaxing. I know that despite the so-called “goals” life, at that time my head will be more messy; I’ll have to think of tax, and bank jargons I try to make sense, and investments and insurances. I don’t know, but at least at that time I am no one’s burden I guess? I don’t know. I think at any age it is always at inconvenience. Life is an inconvenience, I guess, a constant series of one. Also, with power comes responsibility, and freedom is a form of power. Apapun I’d better enjoy and make my 20 worthy living for, that if I looked back I’ll know I’ve done my best
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