Still 21

It's so nice to be young, that's what I have always been thinking lately.

You can be so good at something, and yet still young. And you can be a fool, and that's okay because you're still young.

It's been 5 months after my 21st birthday, and it seems like I am finally embracing my age after the denial I had on my birthday and this early 2021. Speaking of, I can't believe it's 2 months until 2022. By January 2022 should I claim myself as 22, or should I wait until my birthday in May to do so? I don't know yet. At the moment I want to enjoy telling people I'm 21. Give me 2 months to think about 2022.

I have grown a lot, I guess. I always have this huge pressure, exerted by myself of course, to be well-established by the time I graduate. A month ago I completed my 3-months internship at this global HR consulting firm, applied and completed all by myself, of course, with support from my loved ones throughout who are understanding of my workload.

I am certain about my skincare and how I want to dress myself up. I am not physically fit, but I am definitely happy with every aspect of my body. I learned and bought myself some simple make up to hold myself accountable for my make up learning journey. I bought my own casual shoes. I leaned about money and investment all on my own. It is emotional, honestly, to be thinking about this.

I am currently writing this in a Starbucks cafe, alone, with a warm hazelnut chocolate and a plate of croque monsieur at the side, the warm lighting and cosy ambience surrounding me. Yesterday when I told Ummi that I'm going out alone today, she didn't say no. There was only a slight pause, and she asked whether it would be safe to be out alone, but she didn't say no. This morning when I was getting ready she was there at my bedroom door, I don't know what she was thinking, but I guess she must be thinking of how grown up I have become, to make my own choices in dressing up and be comfortable enough to go out alone. When Ayah sent me at the MRT station, he also nodded in approval when I said that I'm going alone, with my laptop in tow.

I am currently tearing up writing this lol.

It's nice to look back how much I've grown. 2021 wasn't exactly easy. Sometimes I remember the violent urges I had back in my Semester 4. Now I am in Semester 5. Have I said that I am currently a final year student?

I am somewhat still contemplating to call myself a final year student. A part of me is afraid that I wouldn't pass this year and may have to repeat. A part of me wants to take the accountability of a final year student. It's a privilege, honestly, to be a final year student this year. I am fortunate to enroll in a 3-years course, to have a short and straightforward pre-university education, and to be eased in every way of my education. My education wasn't entirely easy, but I am, in a lot ways, very lucky.

I guess in a way, I can say that I currently have it all. With a boyfriend not a part of all, of course. The last 5 weeks I have been trying dating apps. Bumble, Okcupid, Coffee Meets Bagel. It was not purely to look for love; I was, and still am very intrigue with how the dating apps are developed, and how people interact with it. You see, no one app is the same. The apps have different audience, different way of communication. It was interesting to be there, really. Among the three, my favorite is Coffee Meets Bagel, aka CMB. I think if I were to write a dating apps, that should be in another post hahah. Kinda embarassing, honestly, to be writing about that, but I guess a question for that would be, why is it embarassing to crave for love and intimacy?

I think that is all for now.

** Update: Apparently my parents thought I went on a date 😐😐😐